The Path Ahead

The emotional and physical pain of losing a breast

And it was my good one too. Healing from the first surgery of the removal of my breast was an experience I wish on no one, but it was the emotional and psychological toll that I continue to process even still today.

A drain was inserted into the missing tissue in order to drain fluid. The fluid exits through a flexible tube that deposits into a vessel. The vessel then needs to be emptied and cleaned. Further, the bandages needed replacement which was seriously painful. Surgical bandages covered the tender wound and pulled my fragile skin every time they had to be changed. I can't begin to explain the intense pain that made my body cry out loud with such agony. It took every ounce of energy from my body down to my pinky toe.

But the real pain wasn't physical. Truth be told, I didn't take any pain medication except ibuprofen needed. (slight brag here, someone give me a medal) No, the real pain was the emotional turmoil in trying to overlook the dreadful site. You see, I had opted to save my nipple (nipple-sparing). At the time of the bilateral mastectomy two surgeons are present. There is the oncologist surgeon who removes the tissue and the second surgeon saves and re-attaches the nipple. What I was not prepared for, was seeing my nipple die and turn black. Yes, you read that right, black. Black, as if it had burnt to a crisp. I couldn't bare to look at it. I couldn't bare to look in the mirror or as I showered. I had to turn away when I cleaned the wound.

My husband helped me change bandages, checked on me and was brilliant at playing "nurse". He got to be quite good at it. There was one thing missing though and I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. The only thing I was focused on was healing, eating and resting. There was still one more surgery ahead in June. Not to mention, we still had so much to ahead of us as we prepared to sell the house too. By this time, we needed to get the house into 'show-mode" for the late Spring listing.

Looking back now, I can hardly believe I got through losing a breast and NOT losing my mind at the same time. Since, my surgeon had also removed lymph nodes under my left armpit, I had be careful on how I moved my left arm. The extraction site was sore and the slighted movement would set off a static-like charge in my armpit. Over the course of the following two months the pain subsided little by little. I was able to move about on my feet pretty quickly. Knowing full well that surgery at this level can certainly knock the wind out of you, I became restless and headed out on my own one Saturday afternoon. I walked slowly into Nordstrom Rack browsing through dresses I wasn't sure how i was ever going to fill them. What was my chest going to look like? Was this going to change the shape of my body? What was my tummy going to look like? Would I ever be comfortable looking at myself in the mirror?

After an hour I began to feel tired, mentally drained and emotionally exhausted. I returned to my car, sat, prayed and cried. I stayed there for a good 20 minutes allowing myself to break down before heading home.

Healing from my first surgery was a breeze, really. Once I started back on my feet, it seemed like healing hit the "fast forward" button. I even began to take "sneak peaks" at the left site until eventually, looking at my non-existent breast was less traumatic. After 3 weeks the black scabbing from the nipple started to fall off to reveal pink flesh underneath. It survived! I was relieved. We were heading into May and the final weeks of my son's 5th grade year were coming to a close. By all evidence, he was happy, thriving and excited to be moving to Florida. Then again, what kid doesn't like the sound of "Annual Ticket Passholder"?

The second surgery was just around the corner and as we began to build a new home in Florida, none of it seemed real. I couldn't wrap my brain around moving or living in another house away from family and friends. By this time moving across the country was only two months away and yet, it felt like a years in the future. During this time period my husband was flying back and forth from Tampa to Austin every weekend. Through his work weeks he would check on our home and take pictures of our house marking construction milestones. It slowly began to feel as if he had already moved and started a life without us. A distance that I had felt before the breast cancer diagnosis had returned.

The next surgery in June was a biggie. What was now a healed wound was now ready to be transformed into a new breast. The formal name for this reconstructive surgery is DIEP-FLAP or Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator. "DIEP flap breast reconstruction is a surgical procedure that involves using the patient's own abdominal tissue, including skin, fat, and blood vessels, to reconstruct a natural-looking breast after a mastectomy."(https://www.yalemedicine.org/clinical-keywords/diep-flap-breast-reconstruction)

The DIEP Flap surgery is, indeed, fascinating. It is a miraculous procedure and awe-inspiring now looking at my new breast. The surgery took 4 hours with the most invasive step being the crossing of the blood vessels from the right side of the abdomen to the left side. The vessels are necessary in order for the fat to live in the breast "pocket". I could hear the nurses whispering as I began to wake up. There was a possible problem with the procedure as they noted that my blood pressure was really high. I had been moved into my room and I could hear my husband's voice as he talked it over with the surgeon. If there was an infection, they might have to take me back into surgery. There was something so comforting in that moment. For a brief minute I could feel the heaviness, the weight of our vows come alive through this very moment. He's got me. I can rest. It's okay.

The following days were difficult as I began to feel the soreness and the loss of core muscle. As the pain medication wore off and I took my first steps in the hospital I was shocked that I could only take itsy bitsy steps while slightly hunched over. My tummy was like a piece of jello. The nurses were amazing!! Truly, they are angels walking amongst us. By the third day, one nurse came and woke me up at 4am so I could take my first bath after surgery. I have never been so comfortable having a total stranger take off my clothes to give me a bath. Not only was I half asleep, but I truly didn't care in the moment. The real journey was about to begin as my husband and I learned how to care for my new breast and strengthening my body. I left the hospital with a walker to be used at a later time when I was able to stand. Our dear neighbors and friends were able to lend us their lazy boy so I could sleep sitting up and anchored on both sides, so as not to roll onto my incisions.

The most difficult part was over and a sense of relief covered me like a blanket. I slowly began to set my sights on the ultimate goal: strengthen up in order to move to Florida in 4 weeks. I began to get excited to the reality of living only 6 miles from the beach. Plus, my husband's job was going to require us to attend exciting and glamorous events! We were about to start living a significant upgrade in the "quality of life" and my son and I were here for it.

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On the next blog, the aftermath of breast cancer surgery and reconstruction, moving cross-country and the reality of living in Florida.